The Last Page of My Japanese Adventure

December 23, 2009
The last moments, in the darkness, looking at the space that was, just yesterday, my home was an unique and incomparable feeling. I stood in such silence. I stood listening as if God had just turned the page - the last page of the story "Christina's Japanese Adventures". So strange that everything was over. So strange that this was no longer my home. So strange that I just packed up my entire house, my life, and my job in less than 24 hours. A part of me felt disembodied from what was happening around me, as if I was just watching things happen, not actually living them. I was so tired. I was so worn. I was so ready for vacation. Yet, this was not to be a vacation. This was permanent.

December 24 - January 1, 2010
I keep waking up at 3a.m. The time change is crazy. I haven't been able to sleep right - my bed is too high, too large, facing the wrong direction, too soft. I haven't been able to eat in the restaurants - the food hurts my stomach, the fork feels foreign, the portions are so huge, I need chopsticks and rice! I feel like no one else has ever dealt with this like I am. It is a crazy readjustment back into a culture that is more my own, yet, not really. Living as I have, it isn't like I have a culture. It isn't like any one place is my own. I can definitely relate to "third culture" statements. I wonder if others feel this way too? Not exactly belonging but not foreign. Makes me wonder at the statements in the Bible, as Christians we are pilgrims seeking the Land of Promise - the place where we belong, no longer out-of-place in the world we live.

January 1 - March 24, 2010
Every time anyone asks about my life in Japan one of two emotions occur - tears or anger. Tears revealing the sorrow that is in my heart at the loss of those I have left in Japan. Anger revealing the unresolved conflicts in my soul. Anger comes more quickly than the tears. Anger at the wrongful accusations. Anger at the misunderstandings. Anger at the cultural barriers that are impenetrable. Anger at the anger. There is definitely a problem. Something has to change. I can't continue going through the day, worried that I am going to bust out in tears at a simple inquiry or become angered by a memory. I just don't know what to do or what to say. How does one resolve such opposite emotions - emotions that are surprising because they are not welcome. They are impeding me. They are causing me to dwell in those things that are in the past. They are causing me to limit my outlook on the future. I fear duplicating the mistake that I haven't realized I made, the mysterious mistake that changed everything. I have no desire to do that. I have no desire to endure that pain again. It hurts me that I don't see the good that is coming out of this - that I only see the pain.

March 25, 2010
Whoa! The Pastor just gave a message on forgiveness. It so moved my heart! I just didn't realize how much the anger was against those I worked for - for the wrongful accusations, for the misleading beliefs of who I am and who I was while in Japan. All this time I believed that I was the one who was wronged. I was the one who was misjudged, accused, and wrongfully perceived. All this time, it was them not me. This message, this truth, was so clear - it wasn't just them. Sometimes we do things that others don't understand - it hurts them, we say things - it hurts them, we behave a certain way about us- it hurts them. Sometimes we hurt others without even knowing it. We can't live always worried that we will hurt someone. We have to be who we are, as true to ourselves as we can, as real as possible, as transparent as we can possibly handle. But, if we hurt and are given the chance to heal the hurt, and don't take it, then we have now become the ones who deliberately wrong, deliberately hurt, deliberately do. We must ask forgiveness for perceived wrongs when we are aware of them. We don't have to know how or why the hurt occurred. We just need to restore relationship when we can. If we fail to restore, then we are the ones who are wrong.

Thus said, I did what was very hard. I chose to write a letter. A letter that would change my life. It changed my life because it liberated me from anger, from hurt, from "what if". Not the letter, but obedience to what God was teaching me. Obedience to what He had laid on my heart. The Bible is clear that we are to pray for those who have wrongfully used us, that we are to give above and beyond what is asked of us, that we are to forgive as we want to be forgiven. Holding on to the wrongful acts that have been done against us doesn't hinder anyone but ourselves. It causes us to be limited and to be "broken". When we don't forgive it breaks our ability to love. I am not willing to loose that ability. Are you? Is it worth it - holding onto the past, the past of another person's actions?

Today - April 6, 2010

I would have been coming home yesterday, had I stayed to complete the third trimester. I would have been going through all the adjustments I just went through! Crazy! But, now, rather than having to look at my time in Japan through the lenses of pain & anger, I now see it with joy. I see it as a time of great learning and experience. I would not trade the lessons for anything. I have no idea what God would have me do right now. I am waiting for His leading. I seek His will. I want to serve others and to love them as God loves them. This is my purpose.

I will tell you this....if you live overseas for less than 330 consecutive days...you have to still pay taxes on the money you earned overseas. I missed the mark by 14 days! Oi ve! The IRS knows - they are linked to customs - they will find out and they will fee you up the wazoo! So, be smart: claim the money and just pay the tax. It is better to pay now then to be in trouble with the IRS later! If you need a good International Accountant -I know a guy. He has been working International Taxes since 1969. He is all up on what's what. Yearly it changes. Yearly you must conform or else! Scary to think what would have happened to me had I not had my tax guy! I would have thought that I only owed $26...then...years from now it would be more like $26,000!!! Ughhhh!

That's my story. The last page of my Japanese Adventure! God is good and will give me new adventures - I have no doubt. I just wonder what it will be called...